Chapter 1 - 2: "Hi, I'm Handsome!", {Booze Crew}

Chapter 1: "Hi, I'm Handsome!"

O-week, 2011.

My first night here at Rhodes was quite very solitary.  There was a massive mare (Rhodent lingo for "party" - or anything and everything else, really) going on upstairs and I, still feeling quite alone in me room, not knowing anyone at all, retired early that night.

The following day was a Sunday well spent bonding with my new housemates and learning the lyrics to a rather crude version of Bonnie Taylor's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" as well as some rather girly Spice-Girl song that went "If you wanna be my lover" or something of that nature.  We went out that night for the first time. 

It was also the night I met my friends Devon (the martial-artist whom I still count as a friend, regardless of the many clashes which we have had throughout the course of the year), Aaron (the greatest gay guy you will ever encounter!  He is the one who told me Sisanda's real name after I had met her on a very drunken night later the following week.  Sissi - as she had introduced herself as - made my world go around for the better part of the year.  Imagine the most beautiful girl in the world, then multiply that calibre of beauty by 10, add dreadlocks, freckles and a serious case of S[w]MS - short [wo]man's syndrome - and you will find yourself a step closer to believing me when I say that she is a true wonder . . .  until I sober up!) and Zach (Zach is the best!  During the course of that very same week, I found myself drunk out of my mind from Rolly-Polly and Porno's special punch . . .  Zach introduced me to the most brilliant, yet hitherto untried by myself, method of sobering up: H20). 

The real story begins later on that evening.  We went to the Rat and Parrot, the most popular hub for alcoholism, alcoholic fueled debauchery and good old fashioned debauchery for promiscuity's sake debauchery.  The rest, as they say, is a blur!

I woke up at 5am the next morning to fare my mother well.  It was the most scared I had been in a while.  I reaked of alcohol and smoke and the stench would not leave me regardles of how long I brushed my teeth and defumicated myself with my assortment of deodorants.  Luckilly for me, she did not smell a thing.  And then, serenades!

Serendades and the binge-drinking carried on for the entirety of that week.  I maintain that I sold my liver to Old Nick in those seven days.  There were girls who's faces I simply cannot remember, names I still do not know and flash-backs of the most explicit nature!  What I will not forget anytime soon is my epic introductory punchline, "Hi, I'm Handsome!" - a name which many still know me as.  Mission: make a lasting impact - OBJECTIVES ACHIEVED!

First there came the name, Lebsie Le Awesomish.  Then there came the alcohol.  And then, the road turned south, and I landed in a place which rotated between Dante's first four levels of hell more times a week than I could keep track of.  I was likened to some guy called Bruce, who had been a first year at Rhodes the previous year - who got excluded for maring too hard, as I believe the story goes.  I drew the attention of one of our subwardens, Nyasha, who told me to calm myself and that he'd be watching while he was teaching me how to use the washing machine - which I honestly had no idea how to work at all, and had been riddling over for a good while before he came around.  It is possibly a good idea to add that though I was not entirely tipsy myself, he was probably, in that moment, not the very best candidate to lecture - his state being radically beyond my own.  Though I took his words to heart.

Chapter 2: Booze Crew

As time went by, social circles changed.  I took to the guys from our brother house, Mathews, more kindly as what I did with those from my own house.  Cory House, I felt, was not entirely ready for Le Awesomish yet - and my friend Devon was quick to remind me of this on a very heated argument which I shall never forget (this is not to be taken in any way as a form of negativity or resentment).  My new group of friends seemed more accomodating and accepting of who I was.  I was welcomed in with arms wide open because of the one common factor which, till this very day, still unites us strong and firmly:  my love for alcohol, cigarettes and women.

The "Booze Crew" as we have subsequently been dubbed comprises of myself, Socks (yes, it's his real name - and he is a drunkard!), Wesley* (the closest thing I have to a brother in this place.  Unfortunately, he flashed me once - which I reassure you all was not a pleasant experience!  He is currently dating Lisa, who is as CHILLED as women come in this day and age!  Wesley ... is a drunkard), Tash (Tash hails from Uganda.  Tash gets holy when drunk.  Tash gets amnesiac when drunk. Tash gets DRUNK ...  Tash is ... a Drunkard), Bongo (First at the party, first to pass out ...  last to leave!  Bongo is a true trooper!  Bongo ... is a drunkard), Norman (Dj Normienorm - for the life of me I still don't know his Dj-ing name - joined us in the second semester.  Norman's from Pretoria Boy's High!  Norman ... is a drunkard), Sbu (Sbu hails from Block AA, SOSHANGUVE!  That is what makes him AWESOME! Sbu is gay, but that is irrelevant compared to the fact that Sbu ... is a drunkard) and our Queen, the woman who brought us all together . . . Jacinta Jack (if it weren't for Jacinta, I would never have met half the cool people I know today.  She took this social butterfly, grounded me, gave me roots and helped me grow!  Jacinta ... rarely gets drunk ... though she matches us drink for drink ... because Jacinta ... is a drunkard).

And so the adventure took on a whole new dynamic.  I worked hard from Monday to Friday, drank hard from Friday to the wee hours of Saturday and started the year off on a high note.  Until the home-sickness, exhaustion and fatigue kicked in.  Reality kicked in, kicked me, sucked me clean and dry of my will to live, let alone carry on.  I spoke to nobody.  I suffered alone.  I did not die ...