Hesitant Love
Hesitant Love
By Lebogang Tlou
Hesitant Love
Original short story published by Lebogang Kote Tlou
Original Publication.
Copyright (c) Lebogang K. Tlou 2018
Hesitant Love (R) is a trademark registered by Lebogang K. Tlou
Hesitant Love (R) is a trademark registered by Lebogang K. Tlou
The right of Lebogang K. Tlou to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the British Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All the characters in this booklet are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Condition of Sale
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Furthermore, this book is sold subject to the additional condition that the author retains the right to publish and redistribute through what means are deemed most necessary – both in terms of profit as well as to ensure readership.
1
It had been years since they had seen one another. A lot had changed. She had a beautiful baby daughter who looked just as she did. He wasn’t the father. He remembered how he had been taught to rather kneel before instead of bending down over children when speaking to them.
“What’s your name, little one?” Sam asked.
“My mommy says I mustn’t speak to strangers,” the little girl replied. Sam laughed, gave a stern nod and rose to his feet.
“Your mom is right,” he said. “And I am a stranger after all.”
Although he was smiling, he knew Crystal saw right to the core of him – to the place where he kept all his sadness. She knew Sam wasn’t angry; after all, he had no right to be. They had broken up. She fell pregnant two years later and made the choice to keep the baby.
“How are you doing, Sam?” Crystal asked.
“Oh, I’m the same as always, you know? And yourself?” he asked, knowing that avoiding the question wasn’t the wisest of moves. He felt he had to. Sam knew she had given birth to a beautiful daughter some years back, and knew that Crystal could never love him the way she once did. He knew she had moved on with her life, and so too had he. However, seeing her again brought back a whole world of feelings; and seeing her extend so beautifully into youth made him wish that he had been the one to father her child with her.
“Same as always too,” Crystal replied. He knew that this was in response to his curtness, and so Sam made haste to fill the space with words before she got bored of his passive aggressiveness and walked away.
“I’m sorry I missed your pregnancy,” he said. “You probably had that ‘pregnancy glow’ enhance your beauty ten thousand fold.” To his surprise, Crystal laughed at his words, and blushed a little.
“My nose grew fat along with every other part of me,” she said. “This is Luthando. Luthando, this is Sam. He is one of mommy’s good friends. Say hello.”
“Hello,” Luthando said.
“Hi, Luthando,” Sam replied, kneeling down once more. He stuck his hand out, gesturing a handshake. “I’m Sam. I’m pleased to meet you too.”
They shook hands. Crystal couldn’t help but smile at the scene. She wished she had brought her camera. The moment was picture perfect. At that moment, an ice-cream truck came cruising from around the corner. Crystal swore she saw both Sam and Luthando’s eyes light up at the same time as they turned, almost in unison, in the direction of the approaching truck. Sam wondered if Crystal were still a fan of soft-serve.
“Yes, you may join us for ice-cream,” Crystal said, saving him from asking. “However, only if it’s my treat.”
“What’s your name, little one?” Sam asked.
“My mommy says I mustn’t speak to strangers,” the little girl replied. Sam laughed, gave a stern nod and rose to his feet.
“Your mom is right,” he said. “And I am a stranger after all.”
Although he was smiling, he knew Crystal saw right to the core of him – to the place where he kept all his sadness. She knew Sam wasn’t angry; after all, he had no right to be. They had broken up. She fell pregnant two years later and made the choice to keep the baby.
“How are you doing, Sam?” Crystal asked.
“Oh, I’m the same as always, you know? And yourself?” he asked, knowing that avoiding the question wasn’t the wisest of moves. He felt he had to. Sam knew she had given birth to a beautiful daughter some years back, and knew that Crystal could never love him the way she once did. He knew she had moved on with her life, and so too had he. However, seeing her again brought back a whole world of feelings; and seeing her extend so beautifully into youth made him wish that he had been the one to father her child with her.
“Same as always too,” Crystal replied. He knew that this was in response to his curtness, and so Sam made haste to fill the space with words before she got bored of his passive aggressiveness and walked away.
“I’m sorry I missed your pregnancy,” he said. “You probably had that ‘pregnancy glow’ enhance your beauty ten thousand fold.” To his surprise, Crystal laughed at his words, and blushed a little.
“My nose grew fat along with every other part of me,” she said. “This is Luthando. Luthando, this is Sam. He is one of mommy’s good friends. Say hello.”
“Hello,” Luthando said.
“Hi, Luthando,” Sam replied, kneeling down once more. He stuck his hand out, gesturing a handshake. “I’m Sam. I’m pleased to meet you too.”
They shook hands. Crystal couldn’t help but smile at the scene. She wished she had brought her camera. The moment was picture perfect. At that moment, an ice-cream truck came cruising from around the corner. Crystal swore she saw both Sam and Luthando’s eyes light up at the same time as they turned, almost in unison, in the direction of the approaching truck. Sam wondered if Crystal were still a fan of soft-serve.
“Yes, you may join us for ice-cream,” Crystal said, saving him from asking. “However, only if it’s my treat.”
2
The three of them walked into a park. Crystal and Luthando sat on a bench, while Sam crossed his legs on the floor at her feet. She laughed, realizing that he hadn’t changed a single bit.
“You still floor it,” she decided to point out what was self-evident.
“You have a cool daughter,” said he. Crystal wondered if he was saying something else, when he realized how ambiguous he had sounded and added, “I mean it. Remember, cool people love ice cream.”
Crystal laughed, remembering how this used to be their thing back in their final year at university. She always loved how he had a knack for not pointing out the obvious. She knew he was wondering if the father were still in the picture.
“He pays child support, and visits her from time to time,” Crystal said, saving him once more from having to ask.
“I wasn’t going to ask,” said Sam.
“I know, Sam, but I can hear your mind wondering,” Crystal said. “There are tell-tale signs with you when you over think.”
Sam laughed heartily for the first time that he remembered doing so in years. He longed to tell her about his life as a billionaire and how he made his fortunes from writing and producing content, however he always struggled with opening up – and her departure from his world had made it even harder for him to bring himself to doing so.
“What have you been up to?” She asked. Sam sighed in relief, had a mouthful of ice-cream and decided to open up fully for a change.
“I’ve been writing, producing, directing, acting, investing and representing brands across the globe,” he said. “I wrote some of the episodes for the new Elijah Woods mini-series that just came to the telly. That was pleasant to do. And yourself?”
“I work for a Solar-Energy company, and raise Luthando full-time,” Crystal said. “That’s great what you’re doing, Sam. You’re living the life you always spoke about living back in varsity: travelling the world, writing, making a name for yourself. I actually watched your film LoveS the other day. It made me cry, it hit home so hard. It was almost as though the characters were –...”
“They were, Crystal,” Sam said, staring fixatedly at his snow cone.
“Mommy, is uncle Sam the one who made that movie we did see on Saturday?” Luthando asked.
“Yes, sweetie, he did make it,” Crystal replied to her daughter. She lowered her voice and, in hushed tones, whispered to Sam: “I really wish you hadn’t told me that, Sam.”
“It’s full transparency,” he said.
“Then be transparent with me,” she said, barely containing her agitation with him at that point.
“There is no other way I could have imagined today going any better than what it is now,” he said. “There is nowhere else I would rather be, and nothing else I would rather be doing.”
“You still floor it,” she decided to point out what was self-evident.
“You have a cool daughter,” said he. Crystal wondered if he was saying something else, when he realized how ambiguous he had sounded and added, “I mean it. Remember, cool people love ice cream.”
Crystal laughed, remembering how this used to be their thing back in their final year at university. She always loved how he had a knack for not pointing out the obvious. She knew he was wondering if the father were still in the picture.
“He pays child support, and visits her from time to time,” Crystal said, saving him once more from having to ask.
“I wasn’t going to ask,” said Sam.
“I know, Sam, but I can hear your mind wondering,” Crystal said. “There are tell-tale signs with you when you over think.”
Sam laughed heartily for the first time that he remembered doing so in years. He longed to tell her about his life as a billionaire and how he made his fortunes from writing and producing content, however he always struggled with opening up – and her departure from his world had made it even harder for him to bring himself to doing so.
“What have you been up to?” She asked. Sam sighed in relief, had a mouthful of ice-cream and decided to open up fully for a change.
“I’ve been writing, producing, directing, acting, investing and representing brands across the globe,” he said. “I wrote some of the episodes for the new Elijah Woods mini-series that just came to the telly. That was pleasant to do. And yourself?”
“I work for a Solar-Energy company, and raise Luthando full-time,” Crystal said. “That’s great what you’re doing, Sam. You’re living the life you always spoke about living back in varsity: travelling the world, writing, making a name for yourself. I actually watched your film LoveS the other day. It made me cry, it hit home so hard. It was almost as though the characters were –...”
“They were, Crystal,” Sam said, staring fixatedly at his snow cone.
“Mommy, is uncle Sam the one who made that movie we did see on Saturday?” Luthando asked.
“Yes, sweetie, he did make it,” Crystal replied to her daughter. She lowered her voice and, in hushed tones, whispered to Sam: “I really wish you hadn’t told me that, Sam.”
“It’s full transparency,” he said.
“Then be transparent with me,” she said, barely containing her agitation with him at that point.
“There is no other way I could have imagined today going any better than what it is now,” he said. “There is nowhere else I would rather be, and nothing else I would rather be doing.”
3
Crystal believed him. She knew that in this moment, that was his truth, because that is all he ever spoke. She felt at home, and so too did he.
“Mommy, I have a pee,” Luthando said, and Sam knew it was time for she and Crystal to go where he could not follow, and that the time had come to say goodbye. This time he felt it best to be brave and ask what was on his mind.
“Crystal, can we maybe hang out again sometime, like, at the weekend or something? I mean, it’s cool if you’d rather not, and I’d totally get it, but it would be nice to, you know, hang out again, like today?”
“We’ll see, Sam,” she replied, and he knew that only time would tell indeed if they ever saw one another again. “Say toodles to uncle Sam now, Lulu.”
“Toodles, Uncle Sam,” Luthando chirped.
“Goodbye, Luthando,” said Sam. “Cheers, C.”
“Mommy, I have a pee,” Luthando said, and Sam knew it was time for she and Crystal to go where he could not follow, and that the time had come to say goodbye. This time he felt it best to be brave and ask what was on his mind.
“Crystal, can we maybe hang out again sometime, like, at the weekend or something? I mean, it’s cool if you’d rather not, and I’d totally get it, but it would be nice to, you know, hang out again, like today?”
“We’ll see, Sam,” she replied, and he knew that only time would tell indeed if they ever saw one another again. “Say toodles to uncle Sam now, Lulu.”
“Toodles, Uncle Sam,” Luthando chirped.
“Goodbye, Luthando,” said Sam. “Cheers, C.”
4
Crystal wondered if he would find her, and imagined he probably wouldn’t bother after her response to his request. She knew it sounded like a no, and imagined it was probably for the best in any case. Sam wanted sorely to get back in touch with Crystal. He knew how to, he simply felt she would have said yes if she wanted him in her life, and so he respected that she had her new life with her daughter and made no attempt at complicating it. It was fate, however, that had other plans for the both of them. A month later, while shopping for clothes with Luthando, Crystal saw Sam walking across the street from inside a store. She hadn’t imagined that he would still be in town. Almost simultaneously, he looked into the store, saw her, stopped, smiled sheepishly and broke into a fit of giggles. She could not help but laugh too. He entered and made his way towards mother and daughter.
“Hello, Uncle Sam,” Luthando chirped. “Look what my mommy bought for me!” He was shown a pretty, pink swimming costume, a pair of stylish boots for children, and a couple of quirky t-shirts.
“Woah,” Sam chimed. “Those are really cool. What are they for?”
“It’s because mommy says smart people have to always look the part,” Luthando said.
“I agree with your mommy,” said Sam. “And boy will you look like the smartest child in the whole town with this lot of cool clothes.”
Luthando laughed.
“Hello, Sam,” said Crystal. “I thought you would have left town by now.”
“Hey, C.” He said. “I extended my holiday.”
“Don’t you have to work?” she asked, and Sam remembered that he had never told her.
“I don’t,” Sam replied in a hushed tone. “I made my first billion two months ago,” he whispered. Crystal dropped the basket she had been carrying. Sam, remaining true to his acting background, reacted instinctively and caught it before it landed.
“Did you just say - ...?” Crystal asked, and Sam simply nodded. “Congratulations, dude!” She stopped talking, noticing how tears were welling up in his eyes. She could tell that he was sad, and that they were joyless tears.
“Please don’t cry, Sam,” she whispered hurriedly. “What’s the matter?” He shook his head.
“I was actually looking for you,” he said. “I don’t know what made me look up, but I was actually looking.”
“You looked up and saw me moments after I had looked up and noticed that you were walking outside,” Crystal said. “It was one of those moments of fate, except I know I wasn’t looking for you.”
“He sought to ask if dinner could be had somewhere child friendly?” Sam said.
“My place is the most child friendly place to have dinner,” said Crystal, “That’s if he doesn’t mind being bored by –...” she lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper, “... random children’s stories? Lu can really talk for hours.”
Sam beamed, forgetting all else in the world. Nothing else mattered to him beyond the two queens he would be dining with at that point.
“Hello, Uncle Sam,” Luthando chirped. “Look what my mommy bought for me!” He was shown a pretty, pink swimming costume, a pair of stylish boots for children, and a couple of quirky t-shirts.
“Woah,” Sam chimed. “Those are really cool. What are they for?”
“It’s because mommy says smart people have to always look the part,” Luthando said.
“I agree with your mommy,” said Sam. “And boy will you look like the smartest child in the whole town with this lot of cool clothes.”
Luthando laughed.
“Hello, Sam,” said Crystal. “I thought you would have left town by now.”
“Hey, C.” He said. “I extended my holiday.”
“Don’t you have to work?” she asked, and Sam remembered that he had never told her.
“I don’t,” Sam replied in a hushed tone. “I made my first billion two months ago,” he whispered. Crystal dropped the basket she had been carrying. Sam, remaining true to his acting background, reacted instinctively and caught it before it landed.
“Did you just say - ...?” Crystal asked, and Sam simply nodded. “Congratulations, dude!” She stopped talking, noticing how tears were welling up in his eyes. She could tell that he was sad, and that they were joyless tears.
“Please don’t cry, Sam,” she whispered hurriedly. “What’s the matter?” He shook his head.
“I was actually looking for you,” he said. “I don’t know what made me look up, but I was actually looking.”
“You looked up and saw me moments after I had looked up and noticed that you were walking outside,” Crystal said. “It was one of those moments of fate, except I know I wasn’t looking for you.”
“He sought to ask if dinner could be had somewhere child friendly?” Sam said.
“My place is the most child friendly place to have dinner,” said Crystal, “That’s if he doesn’t mind being bored by –...” she lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper, “... random children’s stories? Lu can really talk for hours.”
Sam beamed, forgetting all else in the world. Nothing else mattered to him beyond the two queens he would be dining with at that point.
“You say random, I say inspiration for content,” he chuckled, and it was settled.
“Look, mommy! A Bumblebee!” Luthando screamed excitedly, pointing at the shop’s window, where a bee was buzzing aimlessly against the sill, trying to get in. Crystal wrote her address down on a piece of paper and handed it over to Sam.
“It’s impossible to get lost in this town,” she said. He laughed remembering how he had wound up lost the other day searching for the hotel where he was staying. He decided not to mention it.
“I’m sure I’ll find it,” he said. “May I bring wine?”
“Please do,” said Crystal.
“Look, mommy! A Bumblebee!” Luthando screamed excitedly, pointing at the shop’s window, where a bee was buzzing aimlessly against the sill, trying to get in. Crystal wrote her address down on a piece of paper and handed it over to Sam.
“It’s impossible to get lost in this town,” she said. He laughed remembering how he had wound up lost the other day searching for the hotel where he was staying. He decided not to mention it.
“I’m sure I’ll find it,” he said. “May I bring wine?”
“Please do,” said Crystal.
5
Sam excused himself politely and went on his way. A thousand thoughts suddenly bombarded Crystal. She hadn’t expected to see him again after she had blown him off so suddenly the last time. She wasn’t going to invite him over to her place either, however, the words came out before she could stop them. He had that power over her still; she felt far too free around him, and it annoyed her. She was flattered that he had been searching for her, however she knew Sam was a Romantic and logic was often overruled for Romanticism in his head – ideals and whimsical fleetingness. He was charming, regardless, and she caught herself wondering if perhaps this wasn’t a second chance at life with a man she once loved. She decided in that moment that she would not allow him to spend on her at all, and she wished he hadn’t told her that he was a billionaire. She remembered how spendthrift he was, and how he loved spoiling and being spoiled.
“Mommy, is uncle Sam coming over for supper?” Luthando interrupted Crystal’s internal monologue.
“Yes, my darling. Come, let’s go get a great meal ready.” Crystal said.
“Mommy, can we have burgers and chips tonight?” Luthando asked.
“Yes, my baby, we can.” Said Crystal.
“Mommy, can I help you make them?” Luthando pleaded.
“Please and thank you, my love?” said Crystal.
“Yes, mommy, please can I help, and thank you.” said Luthando. Crystal laughed.
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